Every now and then, while pondering my life, I find myself answering very basic questions. Sometimes they’re as simple as “What do I need to improve on?” or “What is my greatest weakness right now?” or “How can I use my gifts today?”.
Sometimes, they’re really not “basic” questions, but more like: “How could I have been a better mom or wife today?” or “What trauma responses did I use to steady myself today?”.
Sometimes, the questions are totally based on my walk with Jesus: “Why didn’t I spend time with my Bible today?” or “Has my behavior been representative of my love for Christ?”
Lately, I’ve been asking myself: “Are you happy with your job?” and “Is this all you want to do for the rest of your life?”
For the first part – absolutely, yes.
Yes: I am happy with my job. But is this ALL I want to do for the rest of my life?
If I then refine my question: “If I could do anything I wanted without considering time or money, what would I do?”
I’d write, I thought. Without a doubt. Or maybe I’d teach more. Heck, if money and time were no issues, maybe I’d go back to school to become a counselor. Maybe I’d become an advocate for DV victims. I’ve answered this question a million times and every time, I answer it exactly the same way.
If I could do anything I wanted, this isn’t all I’d be doing. There are so many things I want to do – but what I want isn’t necessarily the “right” thing. I mean, let’s be honest, it’s not just about a job. I’m also a mom and a wife. There’s more than just a job …
I like my job, more than that, I love it.
I love what I do. I like my co-workers. I enjoy my day-to-day routine. I am happy that “this” is how I am able to help pay the bills. I work for an amazing company. They are the embodiment of what most corporations are missing. From the foundational values of Altruism, Trust, Integrity and Collaboration to the people-first culture, I could not have found a better fit for me in the contracts world. I am absolutely sure that God put me right where I am for this season. But I do not feel like I am feeding my passions. I don’t feel motivated to really be “me.” This is not what I dreamed I’d be doing when I was twelve-years-old and wanted to be a counselor the likes of Mr. Skirvin and a published author.
Today, I revisited some of my own writing. Some of my fiction. Some of my blog posts. Some of my poetry. I shared some of my writing with a friend. And as I read my own words on the paper, I felt as though something in me was coming back to life. And I remember how I feel when I am focused on my writing. Alive. Free. Passionate. Focused. Calm.
I think about all the times I’ve been asked if I have considered doing MORE with writing. If I believe that writing is my gift. If I think I might be able to help others, impact them with my ink. I confess – I do believe that writing is a gift. I confess, I want to do more with it. And I confess that doing so terrifies me, I second guess myself, and then I find excuses not to write such as “time is a constraint and I can’t seem to figure out how to manage it to allow for real writing time anymore.”
And once again the seed is sprouting- the cycle has come full circle and I’m back to wondering why I keep ignoring my need to write. I wonder what is REALLY stopping me – aside from time, of course. I wonder what would happen if I took the ideas spinning ’round in my mind and actually tethered them to paper consistently and finally FINISHED something.
Fear.
Would anyone else think my words are interesting? Worth taking a chance on? Would anyone read what I have to “say” through the pen (or keyboard)?
Could I, through my writing, do more than just write? Could I become an advocate? Could I inspire? Lend courage? Would the words I want to share be the words that someone needs to hear? Could I break silence?
Could I honor God with my writing? Could it be that this gift is meant for more than pen pal letters and private journal entries? Does He have something more in mind?
Or is this all just the wishful thinking of a woman whose dream was always to see her name on the bookshelf but knew she’d never get there? Is blogging and writing a waste of my time, or is it where I should be focusing my spare time?
I guess it’s time to start really praying over it – What is God asking of me? Pray for me friends – pray that when I hear His voice, I recognize it. That I put His will over my own and that I will have the courage to follow His path for me.
Until Next Time …
Bits O' Bran 